My Shades of Sadness
by RubyNury
Summary: Haruka's thoughts, brought to me by autumn and yellow maple leaves. It's recommended to read it lyrically and pensively. And if possible, with Haruka's special huskiness. Haruka's POV


**~ * ~ My Shades Of Sadness ~ * ~**

You know it is difficult to call me sentimental. I reveal my feelings near to never, especially true ones. I don't get the blues, don't hesitate for too long; it's easier for me to speed on my lovely "Ferrari", slash with my sword or shatter the world with my "World Shaking".

But because of you I know what the sadness at sunset is like, when commotion around, all tangled in the golden sunny cobweb, slows down little by little; the lights of the big city kindle one by one, and thoughts and memories quietly flood my mind, unbidden.

_You have a striking habit to always pull a person by their hand when you want to show them something._

_Funny kid, you seem to always rush somewhere, all cheerful and curious. Interested in everything. So many times you would pull us by hand like that, me or Michiru – being too eager to show us this or that. Most of times it would prove to be something not even worthy of our attention. But still you were truly happy. Your joy was adorably catching, and Michiru and I would smile at each other, watching you._

_And I don't even remember that first time when I felt I didn't want to let go of your hand…_

…

I know what the sadness at dawn is like, when the waking up world rejoices and exults over a newborn day. I stare at the lightening sky, and at the moment when its hue matches the color of your eyes, I make a guess if I see you today.

_Of course it would be accidental, because… it's not like I chase around in hope of meeting you. I try hard to not use that special gift of us, sailor senshi – to be able to feel you at a distance, and rely on a chance – it's more honest like that._

_There is something romantic in accidental encounters, although me talking about romance, admit it, is weird._

_But when amid a huge multibillion city, absolutely unexpectedly, I spot your bright navy blue eyes and your wide joyful smile, my heart misses a beat and warmth spreads through my body._

_It's only that… am I that honest with myself if lately I keep encountering you more often?_

…

I am familiar with rainy sadness as well. It comes unheard, sneaking in, and when the world gets covered with dust of tiny raindrops and shivers with cold, somehow you appear in my mind's eye.

_A cozy soft sweater, warm socks, golden ponytails – you curl yourself up into a ball in the corner of your sofa at home …_

Such an image of yours makes me smile involuntarily – you resemble a cute kitten, chilled to the bone, and it makes me want to warm you up and take care of you.

Cold drops patter on the window glass, and I am suddenly brought back to reality. The reality where the dark-haired prince caringly opens an umbrella above you and with a smile full of tenderness warms your hands with his breath.

He loves you, and it's obvious not only to me.

But the strange thing, your shy yet undisguised happy smile makes me – just for a moment – hurt.

…

Parties, concerts, noisy gatherings… I am not a big fan of those activities you and your girlfriends arrange from time to time. I'd skip a good half of such "fun" and would not even regret it… if I knew how to withstand your brand puppy look, the touching and piercing blue of which makes my heart ache every time.

Hey, it's not fair – you use it too often on me. But even so, I haven't found a way to resist it yet, thus I humbly sit in the corner and, feeling too old for such entertainments, simply watch everyone having a good time.

_You tuck away another portion of sweets and giggle happily. Then you reach out for more and get a friendly scolding from Rei for that. Everyone starts arguing, vying with each other in defending you, and the room is soon filled with jolly hubbub._

_You now frown and stomp with your foot impatiently, now fall silent in surprise and shift your embarrassed gaze from one girlfriend to another; then you break into a content smile and, eagerly gesticulating, begin proving something with fervency._

Sometimes your prince participates in common joyance, and evening then gains a familiar, imperceptibly bitterish tinge.

When he pulls you closer by your waist or puts his palm on your head good-naturedly, you shine, and I look away involuntarily. And then I see – there is one more person in the room who doesn't take away his eyes off you, thinking no one would notice…

Fortune's favorite, always so handsome, talented and popular, he usually disguises his feelings skillfully, laughing and rejoicing in everyone's company. But the looks he casts in your direction – murky-blue, filled with inexpressible longing and desperate hope for impossible – give him away completely. He reaches out for you with all his ardent heart, even knowing he would never reach you.

I guess I'm not quite fair towards him – I've never hosted any friendly feelings for him. But seeing his eyes in moments like that, somehow I sympathize with him.

_Is it possible that in that hateful alien I see a reflection of mine?_

It is surprising, such evenings are full of numerous people, various events and talks but when I come back home and replay in my mind everything that happened, it turns out that there is only you in my memories.

For a senshi of my kind it is unforgivable to narrow focus that much. Yet… falling asleep, I feel happy somehow.

…

I wasn't there, on that roof, when you all saw the Starlights off but, as if it was for real, I saw your confused eyes, filled with so much repressed sadness. You know, that day I was so afraid that you wouldn't hold back, leap forward to the long-tailed stranger, and… But you made it, restrained yourself – you bid farewell and saw them off with your lovely smile. There was your prince beside you, and you could not afford making a wrong choice.

But don't you regret of running counter to your heart's cry..?

_No one but wind and I knows that you still come to that roof. No one can see how your eyelashes hide your lost gaze and hot salty tears stream down your pale cheeks._

_You stand amidst the empty roof, your arms hanging down weak-willingly as a bird's broken wings, and you gaze in the sky with inescapable longing, with silent entreaty – as if calling out desperately, seeking for, waiting for someone. Someone who would never come back to you again._

Silent hopelessness in your eyes tears my heart asunder, but I cannot give away my presence, be it with a tiny move or a rustle – even for the sake of comforting you.

What a right do I have to deprive you of the only place where you can still be yourself…?

But I ask the wind and instead of me it quietly enwraps you with a gentle flow, whispering you all those words that _**I**_ would whisper; it takes away your sadness and tries to dry your tears. Unnoticed, I stay by your side and whispering soundlessly with the wind I comfort you and cheer you up until a fragile spark of hope in your eyes begins to glow.

Time passes, the stars light up in the sky, and you leave your haven – with an almost imperceptible peaceful smile. But before that you glance over the empty roof and bow slightly. "Thank you."

I wish I knew who your silent gratitude is aimed at…

The sound of your steps subsides in the distance and it's only then that I leave my refugee. I glare up at the stars – distant, indifferent – and get almost mad at them for they stay deaf to your entreaty. Mad, yet somewhat inexplicably relieved – for once more, they didn't hear you.

A last glance in the sky already studded with stars – and I walk downstairs from the roof as well. Wind accompanies me home and doesn't even try to dissipate my sadness. It knows everything.

…

I am hardly sentimental – you know. And sadness doesn't suit me at all. It's totally uncool on me.

But whatever it might be like, whenever it would appear, I want to take it all for myself. Let it stick with me, let it nag at me even at nights, as long as it doesn't touch your clear eyes, your lovely radiant smile and your pure heart.

I take it all, accept it, absorb it completely. Let that sadness become only mine.

It will not come to you at dawn and will not disturb you with its shadow when the sun goes down. Sadness will not seep into your heart with the raindrops and will not remind of itself by a dark-haired long-tailed silhouette. It will not appear uninvited when joy reigns in a warm company of friends, and will not greet you with an embrace when you are alone. The bitterish tinge of nostalgia and regrets of what had never come true will leave your love and your memories.

All that will become mine. Sadness will stay with me for good. I am strong, I can handle that.

No more sadness is left for you, do you hear me?

So…

…don't be sad anymore, Odango.


End file.
